Episodes of Grief
by PBrules
Summary: Imagine that Michael broke Linc out of prison but couldn't prevent his death in the aftermath. This fic encompasses a variety of POV and touches upon his grief and his budding relationship with Sara.
1. Chapter 1

*****Episode one, a week after Linc died.*****

Scene: A cabin in a remote area of forest land.

Michael lay completely still across the bed. He may have died if he hadn't managed to find this cabin, he was at the end of his strength after all. He may still die anyway because so far he hasn't been able to bring himself to eat any of the meagre supplies which he found in the cupboards. As he lies motionless his one thought is that he wishes he was dead, that he could have taken his brother's place or at the very least died by his side.

*****Episode two, a month after Linc died.*****

He'd contacted her at work, of all the gutsy, stupid, crazy things to do. He must have anticipated that all calls in and out of a federal facility would be monitored but decided to risk it anyway. She didn't know how he'd got the number, perhaps during one of his many medical appointments as an inmate he'd managed to catch a glimpse of it.

He hadn't spoken at first but somehow she had just known that it was him. Ridiculous considering the time that had already past and the improbability of him contacting her yet in her bones she had felt it.

When he had eventually spoken it had been short and to the point. No wasted words trying to explain things which were inexplicable or sum up a situation which words couldn't touch.

"Sara, It's me." Pause. "Can I see you?"

She'd nodded in shock before realising her mistake, her heart had been in her mouth.

"I can't come to you. Could you get to Brakesville? The memorial park tower? Saturday lunchtime?"

She was working on Saturday but wild horses wouldn't have been able to hold her back.

"The memorial tower. Saturday. I'll be there."

And just like that he had hung up without a goodbye. On the considerable journey to Brakesville she had wondered if he had considered that she might not have chosen to meet him, or that she could have given him up to the feds. Perhaps that was why he hadn't given her a set meeting time.

She'd arrived stupidly early, just after ten, no ones lunch time by any means. She'd settled herself to wait for the man she loved who must need her more now more than ever.

In actual fact he hadn't arranged a meeting time for a simple reason. He had no idea how long it would take him to get to the memorial park. Tramping around, traipsing by foot took time and in the end it was nearly two when he arrived.

He had a beard and his hair had grown into dark, unruly strands. He looked utterly different and she wasn't surprised that people couldn't recognise him from the Fox River escape picture which was still being broadcast nationally. He had lost ten pounds, which he could ill afford, and aged ten years over the course of the last month. His skin was bronzed by the sun but somehow he still looked pale and wan beneath his tan. He was a broken man, and bore little resemblance to the man she remembered, yet he still held her heart and soul.

They had checked into a small motel near the park and he had showered before anything else. She was glad because he had obviously been sleeping rough. He'd apologisedfor his appearance, a small glimpse of the old Michael appearing for a second in his embarrassment as he'd explained the layers of dirt.

"It helps me fit in where I am staying, keeps me safe."

She'd shuddered to think where that might be but had been determined to bite back her questions and let him open up in his own time.

After he was clean and wrapped in towels she'd poured them both a drink, OJ for her, whiskey for him and they'd sat on the bed together. All awkwardness somehow had disappeared and they had curled up against each other leaning inwards for comfort and reassurance as though they were an established couple and this wasn't their first meeting outside of prison.

"I failed him." He'd said at last and her heart had broke for him.

He wouldn't allow her to contradict him but had relentlessly given her a precise and detailed account of how he had seen the life flow out of his brother before turning and continuing to run.

She's held him then and comforted him as best she could. Exploring his body she had seen the prominent ribs jutting out on his emancipated frame. She'd glanced at the marks of violence from his time at fox river at the hands of his fellow inmates and noticed new marks and wounds from the past month beginning to heal. If only the scars on his heart would heal as quickly.

She must have fallen asleep in the early hours and when she had woken it had been daybreak and she was alone.

She would always remember this, even years later: the horrific realisation that he had gone without waking her and that she would not see him again until he chose to find her.

*****Episode three, a year after Linc died.*****

LJ was ashamed that he cried when he first saw him.

Afterwards he defended it to himself, after all he hadn't been able to believe it was true until he'd actually laid eyes on him. For years afterwards the afternoon he spent with his uncle would always retain a hazy dream like quality in LJ's memories.

"Uncle Mike." He'd hugged him fiercely, almost knocking the taller man backwards in his hurry.

"Shhh, LJ." Michael guided his nephew away from passers by. Although time had past and they were a distance from home he hadn't came this far to risk getting caught now . It had been a long time since anyone had called him by his old name.

"I was so worried you know." The boy chattered frantically. "They never caught you and I thought you were dead when I never heard from you. I've reading all those newspaper columns you know where they have sections for people to contact long lost family? I thought you might have left me a message in a code or something? But I'd pretty much given up by the time you called."

Michael felt a wave of guilt wash over him. He'd been so sure that LJ would be thinking about his father's death, it hadn't occurred to him that he'd be panicking over him.

"I had to be careful, only contact you when things had quietened down." He explained.

"I'm so sorry about your father."

LJ eyes filled up with tears and when he spoke he sounded choked with emotion.

"Uncle Mike, you did everything you could, more than he could have hoped or expected from anyone... What happened, it wasn't right but you..." The last of LJ's words were muffled into Michael's collar as he hugged him again.

Michael remained awkwardly still and uncomfortable during all of Ljs emotional interactions. It may have been the fact that the men he now worked with never showed their feelings or perhaps it was the simply a result of the lack of human contact he'd had this past year. Gently he pushed his nephew back slightly, holding him at arms length.

LJ didn't seem to notice, he was so caught up in what he was saying.

"I still miss him. You know? So much." He gulped back further tears manfully.

"Come on let's go and get a drink and you can tell me everything I want to hear what you've been doing and where you've been."

They'd found a quiet pub and had a couple beers. But for all LJ's intentions of hearing about his uncle he found himself filling Michael in on how he was doing at school, how his mum and him were getting on better and about his new girlfriend. For LJ it was bliss seeing his uncle again and catching up. For Michael he was suffocated by the knowledge that he was in his brothers place. It ought to be Linc sat there enjoying a beer with his boy.

*****Episode 4, a year and a day after Linc died.*****

She looked amazing, as always, and he had to fight to remind himself that no good could come of this. He didn't even know why he was meeting her again apart from the fact that he couldn't bring himself not to. Michael was numb and didn't feel much about anything these days but Sara was the exception to this, the one and only longing and desire which existed for him.

He looked better, more healthy, she was relieved to see. He'd filled out, he was still slim but his lean frame had bulked out with rippling muscles on his arms and chest. His eyes still showed hints of the haunting memories that would continue to plague him, but she had expected this.

"I saw LJ yesterday."

"You did?"

"I'm going away- I needed to see you both before I went."

"Take me with you."

A year on and no further forward. Sara felt that her life has been on hold since she saw Michael last. She had waited for him to get back in contact with her and almost given up. It was just over a year since she'd last seen him and she was determined this time to say everything she should have been clear about last time.

He raised his eyebrows slightly.

"You'd give up your life just like that. Think about what you're saying Sara. You would no longer be able to practice medicine, your vocation would be over. You wouldn't see your family and friends. And I... have nothing to offer you. No money, no home, no where to stay sometimes. I do cash in hand labouring work for dubious, crooked foremen and when I don't get paid I don't eat."

"Michael. We can get through this. Together."

He shook his head.

"Maybe the old me." He said bluntly. "But I'm not the man I used to be. I used to be smart, resourceful- I'd put my hand to anything. But I've lost that fire. I'm not much good for anything at the moment."

"I have faith in you, in us." she clinged to him.

He untangled himself from her arms. "But I don't." he said quietly standing up and opening up the balcony door. He reached for his jacket and she watched as he lit a cigarette. It seemed strange seeing him smoke- out of character- but she knew a lot of things had changed for him now. From the deep, practised drag he was obviously well established in the habit.

Wrapping a dressing gown around her she followed him out.

"Will you promise me one thing?" She asked seriously.

He looked at her.

"Even if you won't take me with you, I can't take it if I have to wait another year to hear from you. Write to me. Email me. I don't care how, I just need to be in contact with you."

She stared at him intently waiting for a response. He nodded briefly.

"Where will you go?"

He shrugged. "Mexico. Then maybe down to Brazil. I don't know. I just need to get far away. Too many memories close to home. Everything is raw, I'd rather be somewhere that means nothing, where I can forget everything."

She hardly dared to ask her last question.

"Will you ever come back at all?"

He stubbed out his cigarette on the wall. Stroked her cheek gently and shrugged.


	2. Chapter 2

*** Episode 5 – 2 years and 3 months after Linc died ***

Sara's heart thumped when the email popped up in her inbox. Tony Madden AKA Danilo Brito AKA Ivan Apodaca and finally back again to Tony Madden again. She'd almost lost count of the number of the names he'd used over the past couple years. She still thought of him as Michael, always would do.

There was a lot of clattering and sounds of plates being stacked away nosily from the kitchen and over the noise a voice called out her name.

She ignored it, rapidly reading the email.

'Sara! C'mon breakfast already.' The voice was insistent.

'Mmmm' She answered not taking her eyes off the screen.

'My friend is back from Brazil.'

The clattering stopped abruptly. A tall, handsome man with broad shoulders and a mop of dark blond hair came and stood in the doorway watching her closely.

She looked up.

'Ok Callum I'm coming.'

She closed up her laptop as he walked across to her.

'Sara,' he said choosing he's words carefully. 'your 'friend'...well you've never actually said specifically but I've always assumed that he's the one that...' he nodded his head indicating towards the kitchen.

Sara nodded wordlessly wondering where this was leading. She couldn't speak about Michael. She'd always made that clear.

Callum hesitated slightly before asking.

'Does he know about me?'

'Of course.' Sara looked away.

'Sara?'

'He knows.' She insisted going into the kitchen. 'I told him before we got married.'

Callum nodded uneasily before following her.

'You're going to see him.'

'Of course.'

'And Kala?'

'She's coming too.'

*********************************************************

They were meeting at the Memorial tower again. The only difference being that Sara was not alone this time. She held her daughter who impatiently squirmed in her mother's arms eager to be free to stumble around.

Eventually she placed the toddler on the ground crouching down beside her as she staggered forward.

Kala had only just learnt to walk and seemed to be making up for lost time as her little hat blew off while she recklessly ploughed forward. Sara bent to catch the hat just as Kala stumbled and would have fallen forward if her tiny, chubby palms hadn't grabbed hold of the trouser leg of the stranger in front of her at the last moment.

Sara gasped as she looked around clutching the hat.

Michael was stood there frozen as his daughter eventually released his leg and sat down with a plonk. Kala remained sat oblivious to the adults around her, playing happily with Michael's shoe lace.

There was a long pause before Michael found his voice.

'Is she...?'

Sara nodded her heart in her mouth. 'Her name's Kala- short for Michaela.'


	3. Chapter 3

**Episode 5 Part 2**

For a moment they were frozen in time.

All around them tourists and passerbyers hurried left and right while Sara watched as Michael stared down wide-eyed at his daughter.

Speechless he crouched down and picked the toddler up carefully holding her under her armpits. Kala looked back at him fearlessly and shot a chubby fist out and grabbed his long-ish strands of wavy dark hair.

They made their way to a bench nearby and sat down next to eachother with Kala still in Michael's arms.

'You never told me.' His eyes were still focused on Kala and Sara couldn't read his emotions although his tone was accusatory.

'Would it have made a difference?' She replied bitterly,

He tore his eyes away from his daughter to glare at her.

'Yes. I have a daughter. Of course it would have made a difference.'

She roughly took the child from him startling her and causing her to writhe anxiously for a moment before she relaxed against the familiar figure of her mother.

'Do you remember what you wrote when I told you that I was getting married?' She demanded.

Michael looked slightly wary.

'I wanted your reaction. I'd hoped that it would shock you into thinking about what I'd said. That you might come back for me. Even on the wedding day I half thought you might turn up and stop me from going through with it. But no. You told me you were glad.' She concluded bitterly.

'I was glad.' He retorted. 'I wanted you to be happy.'

'Well I wanted you to want me. You say it would have been different if you'd known about Kala? Why wasn't I enough? You didn't want to be with me.'

Her voice was gradually getting louder and his voice matched hers as he replied angrily.

'Of course I wanted to be with you. You think I didn't think about what you kept suggesting?'

He was stood up now.

'You think that you getting married was easy for me? Well it wasn't.' He practically spat his words out at her. 'But it wasn't possible for us to be together so what choice did I have?'

Realising that people were stopping to stare at their argument he sat down abruptly and continued in a more level tone.

'I had nothing to give you. I could bring you nothing but trouble and misery. But if I'd known you had a baby I would have tried to live up my responsibilities.'

'We don't need your money.' She replied acidically

There was a pause as they both watched Kala pull first her baby shoe and then her sock off. The shoe fell on the floor and she waved the sock around in the air.

'What's your husband like?' He asked eventually.

'Callum?' Sara sighed heavily. 'He's a good man, a good father to Kala.'

Her eyes narrowed slightly. 'But he's not you.'

Michael digested this as he picked up the babyshoe from the ground.

'Can I?' He asked holding his arms out for his daughter again.

There was a slight pause before Sara handed Kala to him.  
He hugged his daughters small frame to his chest before looking up and asking the million dollar question.

'So where do we go from here?'

* * *

Callum Horbury finally finished his rounds and was able to shut himself away in his office. He was a senior consultant in a busy city hospital and the pace was relentless. Today in particular he wasn't able to portray his usual calm, collected persona. Not when he was so agitated at the thought of his wife meeting up with her ex.

He'd always known that Sara came with baggage. It was a given. She'd nearly been struck off after some scandle in her previous work in a prison infirmiary after it had been suggested that she had played a part in a break out. Utterly absurd, in his opinion, and they had certainly never brought any charges in the end. After most of the prisoners had been recaptured or shot the rumours and gossip had died down and she'd got a job working with 'Healthcare for Homeless' charity. She had referred several patients to the ER and eventually they'd met at a health outreach meeting.

He'd known that she would be the lady he would marry from the moment he met her. It was just a case of convincing her to forget about her ex and choose him. And she had. Of course he had known she was pregnant when they first started dating. Doctors often have a sixth sense about this, something to do with the radiance in her face he thought. Not that she had realised herself straight away, ridiculous really, but he had been convinced she was in denial about it when he eventually told her.

As far as Callum was concerned Sara's ex meant nothing. Sara was his wife and Kala was his daughter. Nothing could change that. They were happy together, he reassured himself. And yet Sara's manner this morning when she spoke about her ex had triggered shockwaves of foreboding.

Leafing though his notes Callum eventually pushed them away angrily. He couldn't concentrate. Sod this. Everything would be fine. And if it wasn't he would do everything in his power to fight to keep his family.


	4. Chapter 4

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Bottom of Form

'What are you suggesting?' She asked.

Her eyes were locked on his but when she spoke again her voice sounded tired and strained.

'I'm married. I couldn't leave Callum. It would destroy him. He doesn't deserve that.'

He hesitated for a moment. What could he say in answer to that? He'd had his chance time and time again and blown it. She had built a life for herself and their baby. She was married. He settled on simplistic honesty in his answer.

'I want... to see you and Kala again.' His emphasis and emotion said more that the words he used.

'So you're staying here?'

He nodded. Well, he had been considering it, depending on her reception of him today. And now that he knew of Kala's existence his plans were certain.

' I've got all the ... things I need now.' He said obliquely referring to the passport and documents he'd acquired for his Tony Madden alias.

'And it's a little safer than it was previously.' He brushed a hand self consciously over his face.

She glanced over him, critically assessing the small changes and alterations which had appeared since their last meeting. He'd hinted at the plastic surgery in his emails so she had been expecting it. His nose was more sharpened and angular; his cheekbones had seen work as well. She couldn't tell how strong a disguise it would be, he was too ingrained in her for her not to recognise him. It scared her that his picture had been so high profile, in all the papers, broadcast on all the news. But perhaps with his darker complexion and longer hair it would do.

'Oh and these too.' He said quietly pulling back his sleeve back an inch or so for her to see that his tattoo was gone.

'It's not perfect.' He admitted. 'There are some... traces remaining. I'll get more work done eventually.

'I could have sent you money. Mi...' They were in public, surrounded by strangers yet the look he shot at her stopped her with a jolt.

She hesitated before finishing. 'Brazil would have been safer surely? To get all the work completed?'

He nodded. 'It wasn't just money that was the problem. I underestimated the number of sessions it would take... It varies from person to person and I was unlucky I guess. The hours it's taken...but it's nearly finished.'

Kala was getting restless again and whining to be put down.

'She's tired.' Sara explained as she pulled the sock and baby shoe onto the little girls foot.

'Ok.' Very reluctantly Michael handed her back to her mother. 'I guess you need to get going.'

Impulsively he leaned closer and put his arms around both of them. Surprised Sara was tense for a moment before melting against his shoulder, breathing in his scent which was still familiar to her despite all the time they had been apart. Shifting slightly to give his daughter more space Michael kissed Sara on the lips. She jerked her head away guiltily, standing up quickly.

Michael remained seated, his expression registering that he was saddened but not surprised at her reaction.

Then he reached into his jacket pocket and withdrew a small piece of paper and held it out to her.

'What is it?'

'My cell number. Call me. If I'm in contact with you and Kala your husband is going to have to be told some things... maybe even meet me. We need to make sure we have our stories straight.'

She nodded – that made sense.

He lifted his hand, to what – stroke her cheek? But stopped himself.

'Goodbye Sara.'

She sighed and hugged the little girl closer to her.

'Goodbye.' She turned and walked slowly away from him. As he watched them go he was swarmed with mixed emotions. He had a daughter! Sara was married but she had shown that she still cared about him and that had to count for something surely? Nevertheless amongst the more positive feeling he recognised the bitter pang of regret at seeing the women he loved and mother of his child, walk away from him.


End file.
